Directions for accomplishing the impossible:
How to banish the love impostors1) Assure your dear Gurdjieff friend, who stops by just before the shit hits the fan, that you will recognize your true spiritual path when you see it. Really. Ignore her raised eyebrow. Then ignore her warning, "Just make sure that you're paying attention." Tell her, "I am," and try to disregard the whining tone of your own voice.
2) Pretend there is still half a chance in hell of matching your unresolved feelings for your first love with the fact of who he actually is (a drunken whoremonger who is completely over you and with whom you have nothing in common).
3) Catch every dirty scrap of attention he flicks in your direction, every half-assed platitude, and recast it in the image of your own unresolved feelings.
4) Tell him about Never Was—the guy who just offered you a once-in-a-lifetime chance to sample the path not taken—to live with him in mystical, blessèd union and explore all dimensions of your relationship for three whole months. Yes, in your house, with your teenaged kids. Because, after tearful negotiations, his wife has granted him a leave of absence. "I dare you," says the married man. Feel the juices flow.
5) Be gratified when First Love says, "He's married and full of shit." Less so when he adds, "Why do you always fall for the tall, crazy ones?"
6) Seriously consider the once-in-a-lifetime offer for 10 whole days before it dawns on you, this is not a good offer.
7) Feel confident that
8) Feel like weeping when you read his next message which says the four most poignant words in any language: I miss loving you.
9) Be overwhelmed by emotion until, 10 whole minutes later, you notice it. You notice what his message actually says, "ivy i miss loving you."
10) Recall that his spelling and punctuation suck and that Ivy is an Asian prostitute with doll-like features. You've seen her before in pictures, posed on a king-sized bed in nothing but heels and a lace thong. Now begin to notice how long it takes you to observe what is already in plain sight.
11) Marvel as Ivy's Customer continues, "meant to say you remind me of the beauty of Ivy and that tall guy should think again before trying to invite himself into your bed." Watch as the verbal diarrhea continues to dribble, "That last message got written wrong . I was drunk , late at night and my hand slipped on the Facebook keyboard . That girl only twenty two years old. Just a friend . You ever make that mistake on Facebook ?"
12) Observe that it takes you less time than you imagined, mere hours, to move from a state of raw hurt to outraged humiliation to something resembling relief or gratitude, or a state of grace. Unfriend Ivy's Customer on Facebook.
13) Open the last message of Never Was, after having declined his generous, once-in-a-lifetime offer. Read, "You just squared the circle. Congratulations." Then ask yourself what the fuck that's supposed to mean.
14) And wonder just why it is talk like that makes you hot, why your particular, peculiar taste has always wavered between the rare, incomparable pleasures of Tantra and S&M, and why Never Was can say things like, "I come for you, all of you," in the same stream of consciousness as, "If you expect me to stay you will be sadly mistaken." Wonder why time is starting to speed up and slow down, why fantasy doesn't get you off like it used to anymore.
15) Silently chant your Gurdjieff friend's warning, in the background of every thought, feeling, and observation, with every waking breath, like you are uttering the Holiest Name of God. "Pay attention!"