Thursday, October 4, 2012


I considered changing my Facebook cover, just for today, to the book cover of Fifty Shades of Grey. But in the end I left my ubiquitous cloudy sky in the background; I was nervous no one would get the reference to my age and natural hair color.

          The October sky is overcast this morning. Leslie, the friend I've known longest, says, "Looks like someone shook the Etch-A-Sketch." I'd been thinking of gray TV static, but an Etch-A-Sketch best captures the flat loss. And the dumb uneasiness of a blank screen.

          I'm 50, which isn't the same as saying I'm 50, which I've been doing all year to prepare myself for this day. Yesterday I finally decided to be 49, and that was hard because I had to squeeze the whole fucking year into a day. So now among my regrets is skipping 49. Fifty is no big deal, except now I'm thinking of 60 and then 70. It's not that I have trouble living in the moment, but the moment slides so fluidly from future to past to present. It's all over the board. Who keeps shaking the damned Etch-A-Sketch? 


  1. I've been doing that too, saying I'm a year older than I am, in anticipation of the inevitable for years. I'm not sure why.

    The etch-a-sketch theme is interesting (though my comment didn't have anything to do with your birthday or age). It's like wait....wait.....I haven't gotten it right. Let me start over!

    1. I didn't get it till Colin translated it into the weather forecast, "gloomy and gray."

      Now I feel annoyingly distracted, like when a song gets stuck in your head, because I really want to play with an Etch-a-Sketch. Love ya!